3:29 pm
fickle pickle
a song, for yesterday
I watched the proverbial sunrise
coming up over the Pacific and
you might think I'm losing my mind,
but I will shy away from the specifics.
'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
in the saddest state it's ever been.
This is no place to try and live my life.
Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
that it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.
I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to try and never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.
I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
to create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.
I heard the reverberating footsteps
sinking up to the beating of my heart,
and I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.
And I can't let that happen again
'cause then you'll see my heart
in the saddest state it's ever been.
This is no place to try and live my life.
Who I am hates who I've been
and who I am won't take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I've been
'cause who I've been only ever made me.
So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to try and never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.
`kinda epitomises me last month.
but this is entirely random.and to anyone who's feeling like it's crashing,
things will get better.
at least eventually, for a while.
6:48 pm
fickle pickle
Greetings, content!
it just dawned upon me that i almost never blog about stuff that i'm happy about.
(excluding the last entry)
perhaps it's only because when i'm in an emotional upheaval that i come here.
well well, the dramatics of last month are finally over though.
and that's a relief.
Hence, greetings content.
ahh, it's a sunny and cheery saturday morning
and i am going to attempt to be a hardworking nerd
doing everything i can to save whatever's left of my sorry ass for common tests!
adieu
and good morning ((:
9:32 am
fickle pickle
to the dearest of friends just came back from kap.haven't been there in ages,with Rose in particular.god, it's really good to catch up.for tonight i felt as if i was back in secondary school again.tonight i felt lifted.it's like as if you were never gone.like we were always still in the same school, class, and everything.i miss you so much.& i wish i could be there for you more.i wish that i was there whenever you needed a shoulder to cry on,a shelter to hide under,or just feel absolutely empty or torn.because you are my best friend and we've grown on each other so much i don't even know how to describe it.and though life is so shit right now,you seem to know exactly what i'm feeling.thankyou dear ((: & i hope we're like that ten years down the road and more-when we're old and greying,i hope we'd still be laughing at our own retardedness, jokes that only we find funny, and doing absolutely silly things with our toothless grins.& i would die for you,if that would show how much i value our friendship.take heart, sweetheart! <33 i hope tonight you're free from life's misery and pain.see you friday! :DD ` happy 11th mth tubby :))hee.
12:34 am
fickle pickle
do you believe i need to find a new perspective.a rosy one, maybe.i'm tired of raking up what i have so painstakingly tried to bury.oh, talk about the awkwardness and facades.pretentious. That's how i find myself infront in front of her.and i condemn how this is the way i have to be.but i know i don't want more awkwardness, so let's just pretend we're all alright.and maybe after a while we'll believe we are.make belief and believe.this is how it's going to be.it's going to be the way to fill that void within.tell ourselves that long enough, and we'll think it true.and i suppose this is my choice.i want this to be as rosy as possible,because i don't want to end it ugly.If you have to ask about her,i would say, i don't really care if she's alive or dead.what's the point in making things up?there's nothing to save because there was nothing to begin with.if you thought we had something deep,you were wrong.you have been tricked, as i have been.i have been lying to myself so long.but i've woken up to see the truth.and i'm gg to continue this lie mildly, because i can't be bothered to deal with how upset she becomes if she were to find out where the real problem lies.call me cruel, heartless, bitchy, i don't really care.because a part of me has rotted.a part of me wonders what i'm doing in school.a part of me wonders why i'm still running.a part of me wonders what i'm running for.a part of me hates what i'm doing.a part of me wants everything to work out the way it should have.but such a huge part of me have lost the taste and passion for everything.so i'm trying.trying trying trying trying.i'm just trying to live this jaded life of mine. `Listen,I am alone at a crossroads I'm not at home, in my own home And I tried and tried To say whats on my mind You should have known Now I'm done believin you You don't know what I'm feelin I'm more than what, you made of me I followed the voiceyou gave to me But now I gotta find, my own.
11:50 am
fickle pickle
tell me, is this fair?
what a horrid january this has been.
feb's not looking too fantastic either.
how should i put this,
let's just say everything's not as pretty as it seems.
whatever i thought to be is not.
but i guess it's where i find where my true friends lie.
guess i'm slowly getting numb.
it's really good to psycho yourself that life is wonderful.
save all the misery.
maybe it's living in denial, but that's not a choice.
and after all this,
where are we really headed?
do i sound incoherent to you?
not like i care.
` Don't want to think about it
Don't want to talk about it
I'm just so sick about it
Can't believe it's ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
Can you tell me is this fair?
6:29 pm
fickle pickle