fickle pickle

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

part of my past

i'm stuck in a stasis!
directionless, and just living life day by day without an objective.
i can't find much of a purpose.
if my father heard this, he would say, "ya, it's high time you carry out some self-improvement! Don't always let yourself hang in the air!"
yes, yes, i know.
i wish i knew what it is that i want.
like my brother once said,
it's true that it's better to not get what you want
rather than not know what you want at all.
and this is what Adolph Monod said,

"Between the great things we cannot do and the small things we will not do,
the danger is that we shall do nothing."

i think i have fallen prey to the danger of not doing anything at all.
perhaps that's why i feel like i'm stuck in some kind of a rut.
furthermore, my dreams never really stick.
in the sense that, you know how they always say that as long as you have a dream,
it's better than having none at all.
the thing is, my dreams keep changing!
how annoying.
i really wonder if it's possible to accomplish anything worthwhile when my goals keep changing.
like, one day, i want to open an amusement food theme park.
the next day, a legal consultant.
the third day, an artist just earning enough to get by.
the fourth day, doing something that is related to tourism and stuff.
yes, call my aspirations silly or whatever.
even i can't help but laugh and scoff at myself at times.
sigh.
in any case, i think the alevel results that are about to be announced might just change my direction in life.
come one or two weeks,
you may catch me either being very depressed, or extremely ecstatic.
yup, i can only imagine two extremes.
i wonder if i expect too much of myself sometimes.
at the same time, i get the feeling that there are a lot of people out there who think that i probably wouldn't make it.
and if i don't make it, it wouldn't be surprising at all.
frankly, i've never been so worried about results before,
and funny how i only realise the true importance of doing well for As only after the exams are over.
my folly, really.
so it just makes me wonder even more, which allows me to continually have these so-called 'visions' of my future.
will i be poor?
will i be happy even if i'm poor?
or will i be wealthy?
but unhappy?
shit.
sometimes, i really do think too much.
that's why really envy those people who don't have tendencies to think of such nonsense.
anyway,
i found this short read somewhere.
i think it's pretty neat (:

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anyone could have.

`
i wish you wouldn't be what my title says.
cos imy.

9:39 pm
fickle pickle

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

only change is constant

this is a muchhhh better week :D
for now, that is.
Well, at least these past two days have been relatively alright.
the students are getting easier to handle,
but i still feel really queasy before lessons.
i think i suffer from over-anxiety attacks and irritable bowel syndrome.
i always have the urge to rush to the toilet before my lesson,
and it seems as if a million butterflies are fluttering in my stomach,
searching for a way out.
okay, this may not be the best analogy, but yea, the idea is there.
anyhow, i think i'm really terrible.
in the sense that i think i'm gnna only teach up till end of march then change jobs again.
haha, bloody job hopper - that's me.
but, you know what? i think i prefer it this way.
keeping to one or two jobs for the whole holiday is just too mundane.
i hope my third job will work out fine (:
it'll be at a photoshoot/makeover studio.

If i talk to God
by the last goodnight

You're so fragile I know
Some things we cannot control
I am so selfish it shows
I just can't let go
Tell me three little lies
Everything is alright
It tears me all up inside

[Chorus]
If I talk to God
I don't know if He's listening
When I speak out loud
I don't know if He's home
I'm talking to myself
' Cause no one else is listening
Stay another day
And will it all go wrong?
If I talk to God

I hate the words that I said
They lay so still in my head
I hope I never regret
If I just let go
Goodbye to time well spent
I've got nothing to defend
And is this really the end?

[Chorus]

And you can feel me when you fall
When your back's against the wall
And you know this town we live up in
Is the loneliest of all
And you can feel me when you're down
And when your world turns upside down
I know this place we're living in
Is the loneliest of all

[Chorus]

I will be the colors in the rain
When you're lying up and wide awake
Hold on, hold on, I will for you
I will be the truth inside your lies
When you close your eyes at night
I will, I will, hold on, for you.

i think the lyrics are really beautiful,
even though it's kind of sad.
i think that's what makes it beautiful.
cos broken things are always the most beautiful.
feeling sad makes me feel like i'm real.

7:14 pm
fickle pickle

Thursday, January 17, 2008

SiaLa!

i don't know if that's how it's spelt.
anyway, teaching in a neighbourhood school is pretty much like a culture shock.
i mean, i've always had preconceptions about how it wld be,
but nothing beats the real experience.
aggravating and exasperating, i'm telling you!
first, they are really noisy.
second, they love to throw things across the room.
third, they can be really mean.
last of all, some of them can be really notorious,
and best of all, i have a few of such students.
students who are simply rude and defiant.
so i say, even though i only teach 8hrs a week,
1 bloody hour is enough to kill me.
T-I-R-I-N-G!
it's really no wonder why there is a nation wide shortage of teachers.
students just simply suck your life away.
and now that i'm on the other side of the classroom being a teacher,
i feel terribly sorry for sleeping in all my lessons when i was a student.
maybe that's why i'm getting such difficult classes.
it's all retribution!
i think when i return to cj to collect alevel results,
i'm going to apologise to all the teachers that i've wronged.
it must have really sucked to have inattentive, impudent, insolent and indolent students.
plus, i don't know why, but ever since i started working,
i love going home more than ever.
maybe it's because i'm just too tired for anything else.
yea.
in anycase,
it's 18:20.
chow time! :D

5:54 pm
fickle pickle

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Redefinition

father says i should start to grow up.
but i wish that it's something i don't have to do.
being responsible, looking for jobs, keeping jobs and to stop bumming around.
truth be told, i'm not confident of doing all that.
numerous what ifs overwhelm me,
but it's something that is always gone through alone.
i've realised no matter how many people you talk to,
no matter who you confide in,
the feeling haunts.
the sense of powerlessness and helplessness weakens you
and lets fear encroach your heart.
so everday's just a fight against yourself.
how nice it'd be to hide away from the world forever.
even though it could mean going insane with loneliness.
all of this makes me feel asphyxiated,
light headed,
as if i'm like caught in a little seizure.
not that i've ever experienced it, but i suppose that's how it'd be.
anyway, i'll be teaching tomorrow.
first day of school again-how daunting.
and i'm not quite sure, wait, not sure at all, if i'll be able to do a good job.
maybe it would be a miracle if i'm able to pull through.
we shall see.
then again, if i don't, they could just fire me and i'll be back to bumming at home.
not a bad alternative at all.
though i think it shall bruise my ego a little.

`
ode to serotonin
by nightmare of you

Suddenly, spritely budding through the billows
The sun is bobbing heavenly against the trees
With bees buzzing
They're sucking nectar from a flower
And if we could have this hour for a lifetime
We'd smile blinkingly
Laughing till we're gagging violently
O soaring dove, I'm quite sure this is love!

I'm utterly depraved, let's do it on your terrace
And the rain will catch the notches on our backs
Exchanging spit through our sloppy kisses
Where the water tastes like perfumes of the docks
We're meant symmetrically!
And hand in hand we're strolling gorgeously
O soaring dove, I'm quite sure this is love..

`
this is such a feel-good song
but don't get me wrong, it doesn't mean anyth though i wish it does sometimes.
very much.

5:08 pm
fickle pickle