12:55 am
fickle pickle
joker: why so seriousss
yesterday was a really packed day.
went to volunteer at YWCA to help kids and stuff.
it was fun!
the kids had boundless energy.
wish i had it too,
then i wouldn't feel so tired all the time.
class reunion dinner and watched the dark knight.
awesome awesome company and show.
worked today.
i'm really glad glen came to visit! ((:
ct joined me at 3pm, and it was the best time ever.
it doesn't feel like real work when there's good company.
other than that, i lack sleep like nuts.
saw you today.
i shld be moving on.
i'm trying hard, but i just can't seem to.
i keep falling back,
but i know you're not there anymore.
there is no point in all this,
this is what you've made me see.
why so seriousss.
12:16 am
fickle pickle
sun shower
it was a sunny day yesterday,
despite the drizzle and pouring.
yup, sunny.
perhaps not literally,
but mostly, i was feeling sunny (:
feels good to have sunny days.
met up with all the S3-G3 crescent friends!
can't believe we've been in the same class for 4 years.
it was like a sudden realisation.
weird.
but in anycase, i had the best time laughing my ass off about stuff in the old days,
and i haven't laughed so hard in so long.
i'm really glad for these people.
because of them, my day became brighter ((:
nothing will ever replace sec sch days fun.
even JC wasn't as fun.
i think JC was half fun, half horror.
but it made me grow up (due to the horror part i think).
so i guess it's all good in its way.
however, talking last night was imbued with lots of topics on uni pre-camp stuff.
i don't feel in any way indignant or jealous about it.
not even very left out or whatsoever,
but i have to admit, i wish i could have experienced the same thing.
yearning, i suppose.
they just made everything sound so fun!haha.
whatever it is,
i'm still glad about the SIM decision and glad things are falling this way, education wise.
other than that,
it was uncanny that i dreamt of you last night.
it was a scenario of yet another odac stayover thing,
but we avoided each other.
and because dreams are supposed to reflect something disturbing or happening to you in real life,
i don't know what that dream is supposed to mean.
besides, i'm too tired to decipher what it is.
i don't want to, on the most part,
lest i think too much again.
so anyway, i'm gonna make myself so crazy ass busy that i'm too tired to think again.
i hope the boss will let me off my shift this saturday!
eeeek!
on a different note,
i had a good talk with my brother last night as well.
it's funny, and a little odd, that we talk quite a fair bit now.
as in, not just general talking, but like, htht (heart to heart talk).
that's why i say it's weird.
in my family, we're not used to talking about feelings.
we are not people who openly display love and emotional sharing.
i suppose that's why growing up in this environment has made it a struggle for me to open up to people.
more so when i was younger,
but it isn't so bad now.
it was really terrible when i was in sec sch and all.
had such a hard time talking to people because i didn't know how to express my emotions according to how i felt.
so most of the time i was stony.
well, i'm still stony at times, but we're seeing improvement here.ha.
anyway, back to the main point,
it was nice opening up to my brother and vice versa.
these days, i feel that he has become another best friend,
or say the brother that is supposedly ideal.
he has came to embody the true meaning of what it is to be a 'brother'.
ahh, i know it's all pretty cheesy, but i'm saying this because i suddenly find that we are able to converse on a much deeper level.
and it's amazing how i just confess my frustrations and worries in front of him.
you really have to know that such conversations are deemed to provoke heightened awkwardness in normal circumstances, but it didn't.
and i am so glad it didn't.
it is amazing to feel like a real family (sortof) finally.
10:32 am
fickle pickle
echo in the walls
i scare myself,
too much sometimes.
please don't let it rain,
i've got to go to work in awhiles time.
and let my letter come today.
3:57 pm
fickle pickle
last straw
there goes again, another one sent out,
another reply comes in, but it's not from you.
each time my heart pumps in anticipation,
and sinks dismally to the ground.
i don't think i can take the let downs anymore.
they all say it's busy there,
but then others call, and you don't.
so i think, contrary to what people tell me,
it's true that i'm annoying you.
i should stop.
i should stop making any attempts to retrieve or salvage whatever.
because obviously, they are futile efforts.
and i can't take the yearning;
the pathetic state of it all.
i scold myself each time and ask if i did the right thing.
and perhaps, you're relieved i did what i did.
cos' maybe, you were gg to do the same as well.
but then, once AGAIN, i never do know the answers to these dumb frustrating questions,
because silence, doesn't give me the answers.
silence just leaves a whole lot of ambivalence.
silence just leaves me wondering.
silence makes it hard to get through each day.
silence just forces me to back away slowly.
i really do wish i would get so busy with work and things that i don't have time to delve into such morose thoughts.
it would be nice to work all the shifts possible even though it sucks,
just to fill that void that you cleared even before i decided to say goodbye to us.
but even then, i still wonder where you are and if you're fine.
why can't i just move on like you probably have.
i wish i was a robot that didn't feel or need love.
i wish i didn't miss you so much.
well, you'll never be reading this anyway.
`
last straw
jack's mannequin-
I heard that you went out last night
And you looked beautiful just like a bat
Beneath the moonlight
I stayed home took a Vicodin...
Sometimes it's all that I can do
When I think about the president
How did he become the president?
And I stayed awake for a day or two
I thought about the world
Drank gin and watched the news
And there are some things I'll never understand
Why the country needs a God
And a woman needs a man
And you never write me letters
And you never sent my sweaters
So I could stay warm when I was without you
Without you I don't sleep
Just dream...
And I scratch these words into a black notebook
I wrote your name on top I knew you'd never look
I tried my best to fight the atmosphere
To think the happy thoughts
That leave the phone lines clear
I see Arizona stars from here
But Peter Pan is miles away
And you never write me letters
And you never sent my sweaters
So I could stay warm when I was without you
Without you I don't have...
A place that's safe from all the monsters
That hide in my head and sing me to sleep (sleep)
This is the last straw...
This is the last straw she said
And I won't wait for you forever
While you run around like JFK
You watched that poor girl
Waste the best years of her life
And I'll be damned if I am going out
I will not go out that way!
And you never write me letters
And you never sent my sweaters
So you could stay warm when I was gone
Without you I don't have...
A place that's safe from all the monsters
That hide in my head and keep me 'til dawn
And I think this is the last straw.
1:31 am
fickle pickle
vulture!
went to meet clarissa tan in the evening,
but dear girl was late for 1 hour 15 mins!
hahah, but luckily i met zel.
haven't talked to her in ages,
so it was really nice catching up (:
she's crazy over jap drama and she's even taking classes.
accompanied her to get her jap drama dvd then we waited at starbucks.
well, i had the best laugh today in a really really long time.
even funnier than playing taboo that day at indian's house, i swear!
i laughed till tears started to form.
Literally.
wanna know why?
well, we were at taka basement and she raced another girl to get a table.
vulture moment!
it was really hilarious!
but i'm really glad and grateful.
we got a clean table cos of that.haha.
ahh, these are the good times.
i'm gnna be really sad when uni starts and everyone gets busy with their own lives.
sucksssssss.
i'm gnna miss dear ceets the most, i'm afraid.
well...
here's to the best bobo everrr! <33
11:28 pm
fickle pickle
ring ring,
the phone line connects;
my chest tightens a little
and my throat gets carded.
i detest making inquiry phone calls.
guess that inner introvert persona isn't quite gone.
it'll always be a part of me, i suppose.
a good whole part of me.
something which i'll spend my whole life trying to overcome;
being shy and being afraid.
it's hard to stop it from manifesting at times,
and that's when all the iotas of anxiety attacks start to surface.
if only i had a large pool of courage which i could pilfer from.
how do you be yourself when you don't like who you are?
sometimes i feel so uncomfortable in my own skin,
i become even more awkward than ever.
sigh, 9 more minutes till lunch break is over
and the woman at SIM will be able to pick up the phone
to answer my questions.
rah rah rah-
i think of you,
everyday.
12:39 pm
fickle pickle
clone
yesterday saw the celebration of glen's early birthday surprise.
right after all that was shahreel's house and the whole night of wii and taboo.
awesome awesome fun!
but orggh, the lack of sleep is crazy.
anyway, went for this healthy clone competition thingie today.
it's to see how much you look like your sibling or your cousin.
twins aren't allowed to compete.
really retarded, but it won my brother and I fourth place, 100bucks and some freebies.
and all we had to do was just show our face.
some organisations just have too much money to spare.
gotta work agn tmr.
wish i cld bum, but work is good.
time to stop wasting my life away.
you sleep tonight, wake up tmr and everything still seems the same.
but do that long enough and one day when you wake up,
you'll find that things are all different, the path you walk on now is different,
YOU are different and time has just past you by in a blink of an eye.
10:47 pm
fickle pickle
nothing lasts forever,
maroon five-
It is so easy to see
Dysfunction between you and me
We must free up these tired souls
Before the sadness kills us both
I tried and tried to let you know
I love you but I'm letting go
It may not last but I don't know
Just don't know
If you don't know
Then you can't care
And you show up
But you're not there
But I'm waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you
Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way
A bed that's warm with memories
Can heal us temporarily
The misbehaving only makes
The ditch between us so damn deep
Built a wall around my heart
I’ll never let it fall apart
But strangely I wish secretly
It would fall down while I'm asleep
If you don't know
Then you can't care
And you show up
But you're not there
But I'm waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you, babe
Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way
Though we have not hit the ground
It doesn't mean we're not still falling,
Oh I want so bad to pick you up
But you're still too reluctant to accept my help
What a shame, I hope you find somewhere to place the blame
But until then the fact remains
Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes you so hard to stay
Nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way
the truth is,
i miss you.
more than you
can imagine.
6:21 pm
fickle pickle