Tuesday, August 12, 2008

the little things

Life... is like a box of chocolates - a cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that no one ever asks for, unreturnable because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So, you're stuck with mostly undefinable whipped mint crap, mindlessly wolfed down when there's nothing else to eat while you're watching the game. Sure, once in a while you get a peanut butter cup or an English toffee but it's gone too fast and the taste is fleeting. In the end, you are left with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts, which, if you are desperate enough to eat, leaves nothing but an empty box of useless brown paper. ~The X-Files

`

i am a tad odd in the sense that i can't wait for school to start.
i don't know why i can't wait to get on with life.
it's like i'm trying to find something or somebody to fill that void,
but i can't find it here-in the present.
perhaps that's why i look forward to the future.
i've been shopping quite a bit.
i should totally curb and save all that money for driving lessons!
argh!
and i should absolutely control my diet and exercise.
the fats are just piling incessantly.
i'm having a vision:
woman, 20 years down the road,
fat, fugly and alone,
feeding her pathetic guppies,
eating unhealthy takeouts or canned food infront of the tv.
that woman is me.
scarryyy image.
and f*ck, i so dread working at swirl tmr.
detest the boss and feel guilty towards the mother.
i could be resting at home or going out tmr if not for bloody work.
urghhhh.
this is such a whiny-venting-frustrated post.
deal with it.

`
So back up back up take another chance
Don’t you mess up mess up I don’t wanna lose you
Wake up wake up this aint just a thing that you
Give up give up don’t you say that I’d be
Better off better off, sleepin by myself and wonderin
If im better off better off, with out you boy.
(the little things-colbie caillat)

12:54 am
fickle pickle

cream yellow

The friend within the man is that part of him which belongs to you and opens to you a door which never, perhaps, is opened to another. Such a friend is true, and all he says is true; and he loves you even if he hates you in other mansions of his heart.
~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Wisdom of the Sands, translated from French by Stuart Gilbert

i want my future car to be cream yellow.
sorry, random thought.
first, i need to get my license.
i should really start my lessons.
stop being such a procrastinator.
i'm missing you right now.
there are a million things right now that plagues my mind,
but i'm trying to be as happy as i can.
how does one survive on being alone?
love or perish;
it's true.
thing is, how do you find that one person that you know will be true?
how do you expose your hidden ugliness and secrets to a person and not scare that person away?
how is it possible to find someone to understand you and have the assurance that they'll never leave?
over the years,
friends come and friends go.
i'm glad rose is still around anytime i need.
but she'll most probably be flying off.
i'm gonna be more alone than ever.
i feel like i'm losing everyone bit by bit.
the army friends,
odac girls,
class girls.
just one by one,
day by day,
we get more far away.
perhaps i'm just being paranoid.
i seem to be inapt, in this sense, in keeping my friends till the end.
i feel so needy inside.
but i'm still grateful, every start of the day, that i'm alive and breathing.
i'm gonna be as positive as i can.
with or without friends.

12:26 am
fickle pickle

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

too late to stop the train

You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you.
~Frederick Buechner

today i finally get to wake up late, but still my biological clock woke me up early.
this is frustrating.
i'm not getting enough sleep.
still haven't banked in my cheque and my money is running way low.
shit.
today is a day of reminiscing.
i am inundated with memories of past relationships.
not only the both of you,
but my parents, brother, rose, ceets, and everyone else as well.
however many people, it's mostly the two of you.
i guess i just miss having someone there that i know i can rely on at the end of the day.
yea, friends are there, but it's different.
they have their own lives and they are not people whom you can bind yourself to completely.
and all this working everday shit;
it's taking a toll on me.
i hate it when i have to forsake going out with people just to be responsible and not cancel my shift.
but then again, it's good to make extra cash and it helps to kill the time.
pretty quickly.
i didn't even realise last week was gone till i sat down on the sofa today and saw that it said tuesday on the papers.
sigh, i really wish i had someone to lean on.
i abhor myself when i feel so desperate.
human needs are so taxing.

and dear clarissa tan, if you're reading this,
i really really miss you!
i miss staying over and talking late into the night and dawn.
these days,
i don't know where or how you've really been
and i can feel the distance starting to proliferate between us.
it's scary and with school going to start and all..
i don't know.
it just pains me to know that you're not going to be in my life much anymore.

10:20 am
fickle pickle